Want You to Know
by ModernArt2012
Summary: A look inside Adrian's head during TGL. Songfic to "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls. Follows cannon, therefore *SPOILER ALERT*!


**A/N: Another Sydrian songfic, *sigh* I've been plagued with these. The song is "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls, and I think it actually goes with what Adrian might be feeling in TGL, starting from the beginning and going through to the end. Adrian POV (Third Person limited), once again. So sue me, I do like him the best and we don't ever get in his head. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. At all. **

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_And I'd give up forever to touch you  
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now_

Maybe she'd never find out what she did to him. To Adrian Ivashkov. Because Heaven save him if he ever had to live a day without somehow having contact with the Alchemist; he would probably go mad inside his own head. The way she dealt with… everything. Calm, collected, always the authority. She calmed the turbulence in his head, the reeling highs and lows and everything in between, the fix to the mess spirit made him. She was his sun, his moon, his stars, and he was surreptitiously trying to find a way to canonize her so that when he finally got around to painting her with a halo, he could just claim to be painting his patron saint.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's meant to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

He couldn't very well tell her how he felt. Adrian may not be the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but he wasn't the dimmest. Sydney was an Alchemist, disliking vampires was as much a part of her as her golden lily tattoo. So he settled. He, THE Adrian Ivashkov, the man who could (in any other circumstance) get any girl in the planet if he so much as crooked his finger in their direction, was settling for the friend zone. So maybe this magical human girl might stay by his side a little while longer, to soothe his broken mind and to see him like no one else had or would. To make him a little less of what he had been and more of the person that he wanted to be. To unmake him, piece by piece and then put all the pieces together in some new and terrifying way.

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
When everything feels like the movies  
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive_

Keeping away from those feelings was akin to living in Purgatory. Never going forward, never going back. It was sad that the only thing keeping him from kissing her until the Second Coming of the Lord was the fact she had a boyfriend. It was like a bad plot from Hollywood, guy friend falls in love with best friend-who-happens-to-be-a-girl, but she has a boyfriend. And since he's been that guy whose girlfriend cheated on him, he wasn't going to do that to another dude. Even if he hated that the dirtbag pretty much called the goddess reincarnate Sydney a high class hooker. It was a good thing he was drunk off his rocker, because he would've kicked Bren-whatever-the-heck-his-name-is stupid skull in – the perks of being Sydney's "older brother". Although, he could always sic Eddie on the idiot, or maybe Angeline. Or borrow her car and run him over. That would be pleasantly satisfying.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's meant to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

Sometimes he hates that Jill can get in his head. Because however embarrassing it is to know that your every thought revolves around golden eyes and golden lilies flashing in the sun, around a human girl who bathes in gold and neutrals, it is far more mortifying that someone else knows as well. Inner thoughts were meant to be private for a reason, and to have no control over who sees what was uncomfortable. And it was humiliating that Jill could see in his head, and see past everything and see the thing he tried his darnest to hide, to see his pain and then reflect it in her eyes whenever she saw him. And Heaven help him, he knew Jill would try to help in some round about fashion, but Sydney was Sydney – she was about as oblivious as oblivious gets. But he didn't need Jill to meddle, didn't she know how painful it was to him already?

_And I don't want the world to see me  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's meant to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

Every moment without her was as full of longing as every moment he spent with her. He wished he could tell her how being without her was like being flayed alive by a cat o' nine tails, how being with her was like being burned alive, and how he would take any torture to stay with her because she was worth it. But he couldn't, he wouldn't risk losing Sydney to her beliefs as an Alchemist, to the disgust she was conditioned to have. His time in Purgatory was just fine, thank you, because at least he knew he could see his angel from here, and interact with her without anything making it awkward. And any sort of confession would send her running away as fast as possible, and the risk of losing her forever was just too great.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's meant to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

But he had done it. He had given in and told her. He had risked it all and lost it all in one fell swoop. Someone must have told him at some point in his short life, "Love is a gamble. Sometimes the payout is huge and lasts forever. Sometimes the payout is small and is only enough for a few beers and maybe dinner. Sometimes you lose everything. That's why they say love is the greatest gift," because those damnable words kept running around his head, mocking him. He desperately wished he could get some magic spell to undo it all, but he had been assured that messing with the space time continuum could possibly lead to the world's destruction. Now all he could do was wait until everything returned to some semblance of normal.

_I just want you to know who I am  
I just want you to know who I am  
I just want you to know who I am_

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**A/N: Okay, the end. Review if you feel like it. Please be honest and tell me what you liked, disliked, if you think it's complete crud, etc. No, you won't hurt my feelings, just be brutally honest and I'll love you forever. Until next time. **


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